5 Things That Never Happened To Alex Cabot
by x Be My Muse
Summary: It’s funny how quickly things can change. It only takes one moment, one single second, for your life to change forever. AU spoilers for Loss
1. A Moment In Time

Title: 5 Things That Never Happened To Alex Cabot  
Spoilers: Spoilers for the episode Loss  
Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: SVU.

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It was dark when they left the bar. The October air had a biting chill to it. Alex Cabot pulled her coat tighter around her body, trying to fight off the night air. There was an ominous feel to it; a sense of foreboding that she couldn't quite put her finger on. 

It's funny how quickly things can change. It only takes one moment, one single second, for your life to change forever. And in that one moment, time slows down. Everything around you disappears.

And then the adrenaline kicks in. Your senses are heightened. There was the screeching of tires, the blasting of gunshots, and Olivia's cries of "Alex, get down!" There was the scrape of skin against pavement as she threw herself onto the ground.

And then there was the silence. Alex slowly sat up, moving each limb carefully, checking herself for injuries. She sighed, relieved that she had escaped the incident with only a few minor scrapes and bruises.

"Liv, you okay?" She asked, looking over at the detective. Her breath caught in her throat. Olivia wasn't moving. She shakily crawled over to where the woman lay. "Olivia? Honey, please talk to me."

And that's when she saw it: the blood. It was spilling from a wound in the detective's stomach. Alex had never been to medical school; she didn't know how much blood was in the human body. But she knew enough to know that the amount of blood that was spilling onto the pavement was too much. She almost expected Olivia's body to deflate, to decompress like a sponge when the water is squeezed out of it.

She took off her jacket and placed it over Olivia's stomach, gently applying pressure to the wound. "Liv, honey, just hold on. Stay with me, baby, stay with me. Don't leave me."

She didn't even know that she was crying until a tear fell from her face onto Olivia's. Leaning down, she pressed her lips to where to the tear had fallen. "Baby, don't leave me," she whispered. And then she kissed her on the lips, trying to force life back into her.

But she knew she that couldn't. She knew that it was too late. Olivia was gone.


	2. Forever

Olivia's funeral was on a Sunday afternoon. The sun was shining, and Alex couldn't help but curse God or whoever it was who controlled the weather. The sun wasn't supposed to shine on a day like this. It was supposed to be raining. It always seemed to rain in the movies.

Her gaze wandered to Elliot. He was barely holding himself together. Tears streaked his somber face. He had given a eulogy during the service earlier. It hurt her that she hadn't been asked to speak, but what can you expect? No one knew that they had been together. They had been secretly dating for a little over eight months.

Alex twisted the ring on her left ring finger. It was a simple silver band, a gift from Olivia on their six-month anniversary. The inside was inscribed with one simple word: _forever._ But that one word had meant the world to her.

But forever wasn't long enough. The end had come too soon. And now Alex was left on her own, with nothing but that simple silver band and that one-word inscription to hold on to.


	3. Replacements

Her heels clicked on the linoleum, echoing in the empty hallway of the precinct. Alex paused outside of the doors to the squad room, making sure that her icy exterior was in place. There was no room for vulnerability there.

It was Tuesday afternoon, two days after Olivia's funeral. Alex had taken the previous day off but was anxious to return to work.

She pulled open the door and confidently strode towards Elliot's desk. "Alex," he cried out in surprise, "what are you doing here?"

"The Monroe trial is in two days. I was just stopping by for your notes on the case." She was trying to keep her eyes trained on Elliot, but she could feel the pull of Olivia's desk. Out of habit, she let her gaze wander. She half expected to find Olivia sitting there, her features contorted with a mixture of frustration, intent concentration, and lack of sleep. Suddenly, she would look up. Their eyes would meet, and a smile would light up her face. She would stand and cross the few feet to stand before Alex. She would reach a hand up, brushing a strand of blonde hair behind Alex's ear. And then she would lean forward, coming closer, closer, until their lips would meet.

But what she found instead shocked her out of her fantasy. Gone were the stacks of files from Olivia's desk. Gone were the few photographs that had adorned her desk. The desk was bare. A box sat on the floor, filled with the few personal belongings that Olivia had kept at work.

"Alex," Elliot began, "I was going to call you."

Just then, Cragen exited his office, with a young man right behind him. "Elliot," he called out, "This is Jason Reynolds, your new partner." Suddenly noticing Alex, he motioned towards her. "And this is Alexandra Cabot, our ADA." Jason reached his hand out.

She just stared at him until he withdrew his hand. She coolly turned to Cragen. "Well, you certainly wasted no time in finding a replacement." Venom dripped from her words.

"Alex, it isn't like that," Cragen replied. "Olivia was like a daughter to me. I loved her. I still do."

"Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it." And with that, she spun on her heels and stalked off.


	4. It Didn't Look Like Alcohol

Alex slammed the door to her apartment, letting out the last of her anger. She leaned against the door and rubbed the heels of her hands against her face. The energy was draining from her body. Suddenly, her black pants and collared shirt felt too stiff on her.

She pulled off her clothes and left them where they fell on the floor. Once in her bedroom, she rooted through her clothes. Frustrated, she flopped on her bed when she realized that she hadn't done laundry in over two weeks. She rooted through her hamper, looking for a pair of sweats she could throw on. Tonight was a night for sitting in front of the TV with a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

Her hand closed around a sweatshirt, and she pulled it out. She had to suppress a sob when she saw it. It was Olivia's navy blue NYPD sweatshirt. She had left it there the last time she spent the night. Alex pressed it to her face and inhaled. It still smelled like her.

She pulled it over her head, not bothering to put a shirt underneath it. She found a pair of jeans in the bottom of the hamper and pulled those on as well. Grabbing her car keys, she hurried out to the car.

She didn't know where she was going until she found herself parked outside of O'Malley's. She hadn't been there since the night of Olivia's death.

She seated herself at the bar and signaled for the bartender to come over. She hadn't been there for more than twenty minutes when she felt someone sit down next to her. Without looking, she knew automatically who it was. "Stabler," Alex greeted.

"Hey, Alex," he returned. "How are you holding up?"

She opened her mouth, prepared to lie. But she knew that she couldn't. Elliot was the one person who knew how much pain she was going through, how much she was hurting. "I'm just barely keeping it together," she answered honestly.

He nodded his head. He waved the bartender over. "I'll have two of whatever the lady's having," he said. The bartender shrugged his shoulder and then turned his back to the two. A few seconds later, he was putting down two glasses of a clear liquid. Elliot handed Alex the second one.

They sat in silence for a moment longer. "She loved you, you know," Elliot said softly.

Alex looked up sharply. "She told you?"

"Not in so many words," he answered. "But I could tell. Every time you walked into the squadroom, her face would light up. She couldn't stop smiling when she was around you. She was in love."

Alex smiled sadly. "I loved her too." She sipped at her drink. "I just can't believe she's gone." She blinked away her tears.

Elliot placed his hand on her arm. Suddenly, he remembered something. "Oh, they gave me Olivia's personal effects." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small ziplock bag. She opened it and pulled out a small silver ring, identical to the one that she was wearing.

"Thank you," she whispered, not trusting her voice. "I have to go," she said quickly, getting to her feet. She fumbled in her purse for her wallet.

"Don't worry about it," he replied, throwing down a handful of bills. He watched her walk away. From his place at the bar, he could see out the window. He watched her lean against the side of her car. He could see her body shaking from the sobs. He contemplated going after her, but he figured that she could use some time alone.

Turning to his drink, he threw his head back, readying himself for the burning rush of liquid. He almost choked when he felt the cool liquid hit his throat. He put his glass down and looked at it. Alex hadn't been drinking vodka; she'd been drinking water.


	5. Goodbye

Alex rolled over and looked at the clock. 5:45. She groaned and decided to get up. It had been yet another fitful night for her. She'd had the dream again, the one where Olivia was shot. And this one had ended the way that all of the others had: with Alex waking up in the dark, relief lighting up her features. And then she rolled over, waiting to feel the warmth of Olivia's body beside her.

And then it hit her; it wasn't a dream. Olivia really was gone.

It was six months since Olivia had died, but Alex still woke up most mornings in the hope that it had all been just a dream. But it wasn't.

If Alex was a weaker woman, she would have contemplated suicide. In truth, there were moments when she thought about ending it all. It was usually after a few glasses of wine, when she'd find herself staring into a full bottle of aspirin, imagining the damage that those little pills could do. Or in the shower, shaving her legs, when she'd find herself looking longingly at her razor and thinking about the numbing relief that it could bring her.

But Alex wasn't a weak woman. And so she went through the motions of everyday life, fighting in court against the lowlife rapists who plagued the city streets, drinking with her colleagues after a particularly trying case, or celebrating with them after a victory.

But she knew that she was different, changed. She could tell that even Cragen and Munch had begun to notice the change in her. Her laugh sounded hollow, even to her own ears. And there were times when she found herself glancing longingly at the desk that was formerly Olivia's, almost expecting to see her sitting there.

Alex still had two hours until she needed to get up for work. She threw on a pair of sweats and sneakers and went out for a morning run. As she ran, her mind slipped away, and, before she knew it, she found herself in front of the cemetery.

She stopped for breath and ran the back of her hand across her damp forehead before deciding to enter. She knew exactly where Olivia's grave was. She'd been there so many times that she could make her way through the winding path even in her dreams.

She stopped before the stone and knelt down, feeling the damp earth through the knees of her sweats. "Hey Liv," she whispered, running her fingers along the engraved epitaph. _Olivia Serena Benson. Angel of the NYPD SVU. _"I'm sorry I didn't bring you any flowers today."

The wind whipped through the trees, blowing the leaves together and making a sound that, to her, sounded like a reply. She smiled to herself. She knew that it was crazy, but sometimes it helped her to feel like Olivia was right there with her, listening to her words and speaking back.

"It's been six months today," she paused. "God, I still miss you so much." She felt a lump forming in her throat, but, for once, she didn't fight the tears.

Hot tears made their way down her cheeks and fell onto the ground. She tried to imagine them making their way under the cold earth and sliding through the metal casket, falling on her lover's face and waking her. She would open her eyes and make her way to the surface, arms wide open and ready to embrace Alex.

But life isn't a fairytale, and she never was one to believe in miracles.

And so she touched the stone one last time and rose to her feet. It was time for her to get back to her apartment and get ready for the monotony of daily living. "Goodbye, Olivia," she said. "I love you."


End file.
